Self Reflection

I am trying to self-reflect. There seems to be not much clarity in thoughts. I sometimes have thoughts from all over just bouncing around. I have surface level thoughts and thinking. I am writing this during break at work. I think I am able to better reflect at home. Or maybe this another one of my bullshit excuses. I think I might be a phony at times with regards to doing stuff and try to find a loophole or an easy way out just because I feel that otherwise I might have to put in too much effort. I use excuses of conveniences all the time. I come with excuses like oh I am intelligent in this situation but intelligent in another situation. I have convinced myself overtime that is how it is. I am just too lazy to use my brain in new ways so I just blame it on situational intelligence. And also with regards to being a phony as long as I convince myself or feel that my excuses is good enough I go with the bullshit excuse. My bullshit excuses when scrutinized thoroughly may not be a legitimate reason, but as long as I feel good or ok with the excuse I see it as a fitting reason. I just convinced myself that I lack common sense at times and that I can only do stuff which involves higher math, or technology etc. But also I was wondering wouldn't not using my brain in other situations cause it not to analyze and come up with solutions in other situations? My intelligence is so situational, actually my thinking is situational, I need to think in terms of bigger picture, that is principles. The principle should hold everywhere; I guess the same can apply to intelligence, the principle of intelligence, should be universal not situational.

I also look and compare, I see oh other engineers cannot write well so I shouldn't have to either. I always compare myself to others and as long as I am not as bad the others I feel ok. I use terms like at least, at least I am not that bad. I am all about contest mentality, its hard for me to shake it off. I constantly compare myself with everyone and everything. Even if someone is better than me I find a way to justify why they are better, and that I did not have the same resources, etc. This should be it for today's reflection. The reflection seems to be the same points over, I mean the main theme of laziness, phoniness, etc. but different aspects of it being covered in different situations.