Last blog for May 09

This is my Blog entry for Sunday. I woke up late this morning. I had a good class with nfm, kddr and franchise last night. I stated my interest to two girls yesterday by practicing the mission. One of the girl's who worked in the Macy's store was cute. I tried to understand how I am easily fooled by rich pretty girls with expensive cars. I still get angry or upset easily. I am trying to be calmer and think situations through a little. Maybe I should try meditation, haven't asked NFM about that. Today I finished some of the remaining moving that I needed to do. I moved close to my female coworker's apartment. Today while driving out I saw her husband and her. The guy is socially awkward.

After moving I was thinking about what to do. I should go try new mission out but I did not feel like doing it. I guess I could try lower missions and work my way up. I did not feel like going out and doing them. I called Rob but he seemed to be busy. Anyways it was too late to meet with him to do the missions. I then decided to write the blog for today.

I have good intentions of doing things but I never end up doing them a many times. This morning I wanted to go running with my neighbor but I woke up late so I did not go with him. I then thought I will do yoga instead but I did not even do that. Later I thought that I will do some strength training, did not do that either.

I see the mariciyo Paulson exercise has been removed from the homework assignment list; I should ask KDDr about that.

My internal value or the way I feel about myself fluctuates a lot. I am happy with the guys but then again it crashes down many times or a simple situation can bring it down. Sometimes I don't feel to good about myself and start thinking in terms of contest mentality and feel other people, like my coworkers etc. are better than me.

May last Sat. Blog

I felt like a dumbass yesterday. Without even listening properly to my voicemail I drove all the way to Huntington Beach in Orange County. KDDR has mentioned the word tomorrow in the voicemail but I did not pay attention to it and just head out. All I was thinking is if I started early I can beat the traffic. I did not realize this until I got to Huntington Beach and called Andrew who said that the voicemail said tomorrow. I still felt it was that day and then I just checked my voicemail to make sure, and in fact it was the next day. I was so frustrated at that point; only if I had listened to my voicemail more closely I would have been able to save on that driving. I was pretty upset at myself since I had to do a lot of other things which had taken the backseat because I thought I had class. I had to collect a package, move stuff from old apartment to my new apartment, do something for my dad, call my bank, change my address, oh so many things.

Anyway I hung out with Ninja for a little bit, I was still trying to figure out the beat in music with his help. I was able to catch on to it in a couple of songs but I still don't get it completely. While leaving I met NM's girlfriend in the parking lot and good thing that evening was that she let me drive her BMW. I loved driving that car. She let me drive it really fast, and I was making all kinds of turns with it high speeds. She later showed me some mode where you could make the car go fast, and we tried that, it was fun. The steering felt great; the car had an M steering. Initially the steering felt a little tight for me, it was like a go cart steering, but when I made turns with the car, I loved feel of the steering. I love that car.

I head back to LA and tried to get back to my errands. I wanted to go pick up my package but it was too late. All the other things I had to do, everything got messed up. I felt bad; I was lagging behind on all the things I had to do. Later that I just gave on getting my tasks done and just watched some family guy and ate a sandwich. After that I saw a movie, in which a young man cheats with an older cougar, the cougar was hot. I was thinking of my female coworker who is also married, the movie was sex with consequences! It wasn't a great movie, but I loved the part where the cougar just wants to get on with the young dude. Man I like older women sometimes, except they talk way too much. At-least they are more fun then some of the younger girls who many times are socially awkward.

Last Friday of May

My female coworker yesterday was telling me that she doesn't find me to be a man; she says that she still looks at me like a boy. She said it's more the way I act than the way I look. She said that I am too eager to express what's on mind or something of that sort. She said that she found that I get easily excited and act like a kid, etc. She told me that the other women in the office thought the same and they thought of me as a kid, and wondered when I would be more mature. It was interesting; I do kind of act childish many times. In mind I still don't see myself as man, I still see myself as a boy. But I don't want to treated or taken as a little boy by women. I want to look at me as a man and not a kid. I realize that I am not as serious as some of the other guys, but I still rather not be seen as a kid. I tried to cut down on the corny jokes as recommended by NM, and also I am trying to work not saying things to get validation and attention. I still need to work on this area. People don't take me that seriously in general at work and other places. It definitely must be the way I act. I hope to change this slowly.

On another note, I noticed that I have a tough time catching on to a beat. NM once made me listen to the beat while teaching Salsa dancing at Franchise's place; I was able to catch on it to it for a little while. I tried listening and catching on to the beat the other day in my car and I had a tough time. My coworker said count one to four, and that most songs have four steps per beat or something. My other coworker said tap your leg to each beat something, I still don't get either way and unable to recognize the beat or the rhythm, I have to ask NM or KDDR about this sometime.

May 28 blog

I am happy for Rob, he finally got his lay. He has made the most progress of all us. I saw a small picture of the girl, she seems cute, blond, nice. Rob has also got three make outs. He has put in the most fieldwork. Laying the blond chick in his truck was pretty cool, damn. Rob's the man. I am going to vicariously live through Rob's progress for now. At least one of the bro's is getting some. I wanted to congratulate Rob before I get back to my stuff.

Now getting back to my stuff, nothing exciting has happened in the past few days, just been moving and working. I am still working on slowing down my speech while talking to people. I am at least aware of it a few times a day and I control it for a few moments before I go back into my old way of talking fast to keep people's attention.

I enjoyed hiking with the guys last week. It was fun, something I had never done before. It was nice to walk around in nature and over the rocks, etc. I meet one of NM's friends; he seemed to be a cool guy. I did not know they had such beautiful mountains and a forest to close to where I live. I was thinking that I should take my date to the forest in my date scenario, but on the other hand, I felt that the girl may not trust me enough to go to a forest for the first meeting. So maybe I should start off with a park close by.

My new apartment in Glendale is nice, and there are more girls close by than my previous apartment on the border of the ghetto and the nice area. But a lot of these Persian and Armenian girls and women look very proud. And they are always driving expensive cars, so many BMW's. I am still fooled by social value, especially when cute girls drive expensive cars, I feel nervous to talk to them or even look at them. But having an expensive car, doesn't automatically mean they are rich, but it still does fool me at that moment.

I am looking forward to a good class this weekend.

May Wed blog

I haven't been blogging in a while. I have been busy moving between apartments. I still have to move a lot of little things. At-least it gave me an opportunity to get rid of some of the clutter that I have accumulated over time. My room was a worse version of my car.

I am not able to rid myself of contest mentality and confrontation. I am used to comparing myself to everyone and everything. I am watching myself a little when I do that now.

I was thinking about NM's advice over confrontation and getting into fights over little things. He said he would have to be in a lot of fights if he fought over every little thing. Fighting over everything is not most efficient way of going about things. Anyway it is a low value behavior to let every little thing bother you and react over it. The other day I returned the U-HAUL that I had rented and the rental guy was a rude Middle Eastern guy. He told me to park the U-HAUL in between two other trucks even though there was not enough place in between. He was trying to pull some trick on me. I told him that I could not park it. He said "You are not a good driver" in a rude tone. For a moment I got slightly angry, but then I calmly replied "Yah, I'm not a good driver" He was surprised, he was expecting to react and he didn't know what to say and did not say anything after that.

I need to ask Ninjamaster how to conduct oneself at work, "Manhood guide for the current workplace". Most of the manhood views are kind of illegal or frowned upon at my work. I try not to preach about this stuff at work. My workplace is filled with a bunch of engineering dorks, who put women on the highest pedestal and believe in utmost chivalry without getting anything in return. And since they are only a few women at my work, everyone treats them like queens. They get to cut lines and stand in front of food lines, etc. because they are women, etc. The reason they hired some of the women is so that they could fill quotas.

I have started to learn to be quieter at work. But I am at work almost ten hours a day and I do talk a little to my coworkers.

Being a gentleman to a woman is absolutely expected, even if the woman is not really a lady. I remember my pervious boss telling my female coworker "Give all the heavy objects to Mindrunner". I am expected to go into the vaults, etc. but not my co-worker since she is a girl. She just used to sit near a computer while I toiled away in the vaults. This is considered normal. Women are not expected to go into vaults but they are getting the same pay since we are a government organization. You are expected to be a man, and take it like a man.

Tuesday Blog

I try to keep KDDR's suggestions in mind. My expression, written and oral suck ass. When talking to people I am trying to keep in mind not to talk so fast. But I still do it; I am still not able to control the speed and clarity of my speech most of the time. Whenever I remember to do it, I control the speed of speech for a little while, but then I go back to my old ways.

I am still delusional about a lot of things; my mind seems to be disconnected from reality. I see things in a way my mind fits beneficial to me or doesn't cause me much pain, even though in the long term, the pain is inescapable. I also just worry about the short term, and assume that things will take care of themselves in the long term.

Changing subjects, I came to know that my co-worker fucked me over today, it was quite a shock, I did not expect it. I now need to be much more careful. My new boss is already giving me a lot of headache, and now this guy has added fuel to the fire. I need to be more careful about what I say and the way I act at work. There are too many people walking around with not enough to do. I have gotten into trouble earlier for talking too much at work. Now my coworker told on me that I have been coming in late. Even though work is getting done and we are making lot of progress in the project, he felt the need to tell on me. When I told him he should have come to me first, he said that I was right and that he should have come to first before ratting me out like that.

This has really upset me today, when I came to know that he back stabbed me. It now kills the team morale, when you know one of the members cannot be trusted. I guess I have to keep it strictly professional with this fuck from now on.

Friday blog and little self reflection

I finally slept early last night. I got up early this morning, and I felt more refreshed. I did not have the usual feeling of being tired and drowsy. I wanted to do some balance exercises, so I got ready quickly. But then I did not get a chance to do much as I was running out of time by then. I tried strengthening my calf's as suggested by Rob, on the balance ball that I have. I did it for a few minutes, actually just for a couple of minutes and I was still unstable at times. I need to work out with Rob sometime, practice some kicking, etc.

I wanted to call my friend and talk to him, or maybe go see him, but then I decided against it and did the blog instead. I need to read what I type so that it sounds better when someone else reads it. I could come up with several reasons saying 'oh I only have enough time to write, don't have enough time to read it again', etc. But then I am just going to be continuing my bullshit excuse spree just because I don't want to do something that is not as exciting as writing, but is necessary. Also I think come up with bullshit excuses so that I don't have to do things that are hard or I don't like doing.

Regarding contest mentality, I think I need to read that article over and over again. On side I think that I am not constantly in contest mentality, but then again I do it a lot of situations. I am not contest minded in some situations that are convenient for me, but then I very contest minded in other situations. My contest mentality is situational and it also varies with people, I am in contest mentality mode with some and less with others. I still constantly compare myself with my coworker and check on what she is doing, but she does the same and does check on what I am doing. I guess contest mentality is ok at the workplace as long as one doesn't go too far with it. Or maybe not, I am trying to cut down comparing everything with her, etc. and trying to work on my own stuff. I guess I need to know what she is doing to certain level since she is in my team, but then I have watch that I don't obsess over that. I am going to end the blog for today and read over it to fix the mistakes.

Thursday blog

Today I woke up showered, got ready and head out to get some Porto's snacks to celebrate my PE exam at work. My coworkers have been bugging me for a while, and it has been long overdue, I have been to do it for sometime but never got to it. My new boss is hard to please and finds mistakes in everything. I am trying to keep him happy. I have to cut down socializing at work, because some see it as not doing work, even though work is getting done.

I have a lot of work to do with these new deadlines which have been given only to me. I guess it's the perception that matters in this case, not the actual work you are doing since in many cases the supervisors, etc. do not even know the actual work that I do. Also lot of times the supervisors do not have enough work to do, so they go around picking on people. Also they need someone to blame when stuff goes down, and coworker already called me a professional scapegoat. I am going to work hard and try to get all the work done for the new deadline, even though it's a lot of stuff, which was meant to be completed in due time with the rest of the project.

I would have been done with my work, if I had used the old screens, but then my new supervisor came in and told me to change everything. I have to tell that he told me to change everything and I had to redo a lot of the work.

Other than that for self-reflection I noticed that I give up my frame easily under social pressure. The other day I tried the stating interest mission with some woman near my work, and had a bad reaction. I told her that she was cute and she told me that she did not want to be talked to that way. I felt bad and did not invalidate that. I later spoke to Rob and he told me how I could have reframe and invalidated her by calling her socially awkward that is all I needed to do. I was also feeling kind of down yesterday and it was good to speak to Rob. Whenever I feel temptation for my female co-worker I try to remember Rob's words that she will be too much drama, and I see it in her, she is trying get attention from all the guys at work. I going to end the blog now as I have to go do a lot of stuff.

Self-Reflection

 

I have such a need to talk too much, and try to be funny just to get some validation. I always have stuff to say, but not well thought about. I generally have surface level thoughts. I dwell in situational thinking and tend to lose focus on the bigger picture. I need to start thinking in terms of principles and rather than situations. I only see the end results and make assumptions based on that. I don't generally see beyond and see the larger effects in the background that produced those results.

    I am also so easily affected by situations. If I understood what really was happening behind my social interactions, and just fret on the results, I would be off in my interactions.

I don't have a girl right now. I started thinking about coworkers when she talked about cheating on her husband. I told her that I would go out with her if she wanted. But she is just beating around the bush, and saying that there is not enough time, etc. Anyways she says she's not sure. Also she is one of these girls who is always around guys being in the engineering profession and she enjoys constant male attention and the attention from all the different wussy guys in the office. There is another girl on my floor but then again I do not want to mess around at work and so I hardly talk to her. This girl talking about cheating got me turned on. Ah! I need to go out and talk to some girls, I cannot be thinking about the women at work.

    In the past and now when I think about one particular woman I have a chance with, I obsess about her for a while. I don't feel I am emotionally very stable, the smallest things can upset me, I react to everything. I trying to see the bigger concepts and not react to everything. Sometimes when I am feeling low I even get upset when people don't answer my phone. I fail to see that they recognize that they may be busy, etc. My thinking is vastly affected by the emotional state I am in. When I am in a good mood, I am pretty logical and see the reasons why things happen, etc. But then when I am in an emotional mood, I don't see the reasons and get anxious over all situations. I am going to end the blog now.

Self-reflection tuesday

Contest mentality, I am all about contest mentality. I perhaps need the read the contest vs quest article again. I understand it to a certain extent and sometimes stop myself from comparing myself with people I know. On the other hand I still haven't stopped comparing myself to mass of people. I always am thinking as long as I am not as crappy as half of the population. Or at least I am not as bad the rest of my coworkers or my relatives or some comparison like that. Unfortunately my mind goes on autopilot to make these comparisons and I have to watch myself more making these comparisons. I come up with reasoning and rationalizations to make myself feel good. I couldn't even see this properly until was pointed out. On side I think of myself as not being someone who compares himself all the time, but then I keep doing it consciously and sub consciously.

I also fight everything nfm teaches me, I always learn the hard way, I don't listen when someone tells me the first time, it takes me some experiences to listen to what they were saying from the very beginning. It took me such a long time to see that writing well, makes you speak better. I do not like doing activities that are not that much fun. I am at least enjoying writing more now. I still do not do my validation list, but KDDR don't me not to sweat about that too much. I still should be doing mariciyo Paulson exercises and practice slowing down so that girls can actually understand me. I still need to be told hundred times to do something, or told in an impactful manner to do things. I probably have the worst listening skills in the class. I also tend to listen selectively and no focus on things not very enticing or exciting. I still tend to tune out sometimes, when nfm is talking and I feel I have already listened to what I needed to listen and start thinking in my mind of a situation where what he is saying may not be applicable. This should be the end of my self-reflection for today.

Self Reflection

I am trying to self-reflect. There seems to be not much clarity in thoughts. I sometimes have thoughts from all over just bouncing around. I have surface level thoughts and thinking. I am writing this during break at work. I think I am able to better reflect at home. Or maybe this another one of my bullshit excuses. I think I might be a phony at times with regards to doing stuff and try to find a loophole or an easy way out just because I feel that otherwise I might have to put in too much effort. I use excuses of conveniences all the time. I come with excuses like oh I am intelligent in this situation but intelligent in another situation. I have convinced myself overtime that is how it is. I am just too lazy to use my brain in new ways so I just blame it on situational intelligence. And also with regards to being a phony as long as I convince myself or feel that my excuses is good enough I go with the bullshit excuse. My bullshit excuses when scrutinized thoroughly may not be a legitimate reason, but as long as I feel good or ok with the excuse I see it as a fitting reason. I just convinced myself that I lack common sense at times and that I can only do stuff which involves higher math, or technology etc. But also I was wondering wouldn't not using my brain in other situations cause it not to analyze and come up with solutions in other situations? My intelligence is so situational, actually my thinking is situational, I need to think in terms of bigger picture, that is principles. The principle should hold everywhere; I guess the same can apply to intelligence, the principle of intelligence, should be universal not situational.

I also look and compare, I see oh other engineers cannot write well so I shouldn't have to either. I always compare myself to others and as long as I am not as bad the others I feel ok. I use terms like at least, at least I am not that bad. I am all about contest mentality, its hard for me to shake it off. I constantly compare myself with everyone and everything. Even if someone is better than me I find a way to justify why they are better, and that I did not have the same resources, etc. This should be it for today's reflection. The reflection seems to be the same points over, I mean the main theme of laziness, phoniness, etc. but different aspects of it being covered in different situations.

Self Reflection turned into a rant on Rob block

I am an emotional person. I get caught in the situations and dwell over little things and forget to see the big picture. I am also very vindictive. If someone affects me or hurts me or causes pain to me in any manner, I have very strong feelings of revenge. I hate the fact that Rob has cock blocked me on numerous occasions, in spite of making it clear that he should not be doing that. I am surprised that Ninja did not say anything when he cock blocked me again at the night of the party. Before that he cock blocked me outside a bar. He always would come in and talk to the girls I spoke too. He made me look like a dork by telling them that I wanted to ask the girls something, like I am such a loser I can’t even say it to them directly. I can’t believe I almost fought with Franchise so that he could make out in the dark with the girl. I even high fied him infront of the girl to make him look good. After all that he comes and tries to dance with the girl I was talking to and tries to do that annoying grind dance or whatever. The other night he tried to make me look bad infront of telling the cougar that she is was a cougar, I know she is a cougar, but the tone he said it in, again making me look bad. Today when that bitch told me to shut up, he said hey hey. And then he told Ninja that the women said hold on to me when infact she told me to shut up. I understand I was in the wrong today since she is Ninja’s neighbor but I always feel like he doesn’t give a shit about me, he just wants to try to take the girl, or make himself look good infront of the girl at my cost. He tells me that I am a good wing, that’s because when I notice that he is interested in a girl, I walk away or I don't try to control the interaction, I try to make him look better not me unlike him. I never say he is a good wing or anything of that sort, infact he is a cock blocker, a Rob blocker. I used to like doing missions with Rob, but his putting me down, does not make me wanna hangout with him alone without Ninja present, I mean I still hangout but then the resentment is in the back of my mind. Anyways I should be self-reflecting which I need to continue in another blog. This night when I drove back home I was in some kind of weird emotional state and even though I got coffee, I did not drink it or listen to music, I just drove home in an emotional state.

Also I found it annoying when he was trying to create more drama with me and KDDr by acting goofy on the phone with KDDR and making KDDR more upset when we trying to find a club in Long Beach. I feel one should try to reduce drama, and not try to create more. His excuse of being oblivious, is just an excuse of convenience. Talking about excuses of conveniences, I have a whole bunch of them, I do that all the time. I have gotten so used to a life of laziness and come with excuses of conveniences in a moment’s notice. I have one ready all the time, ready to fire them away. I picked up a lot of bullshit excuses from my dad who is way worse than me. But there I go again blaming all my problems and frustrations on people around me. Even though they may be playing a part, the major part is the way I react to things. I am a very reactive impulsive guy, I don’t really think things through. I do things and then maybe think about it if I have a negative consequence. I need to do a lot more self reflection if I want to improve myself or I could continue blaming and being angry and emotional with everyone. I am trying to see the big picture or maybe I am not yet seeing the bigger picture, I see parts of it when nfm points things out. I need to read the POM again, and look at my interactions, and see the principles in play, rather than thinking just about the situations and reactions, without taking the principles into consideration. I am in this perpetual immature state, I need to grow up. I also need to think the problem of being phony. I use the excuses of convenience not to do things and make it sound like I really could not do something because I did not have this, this and that. It truly is the laziness, but instead I make up excuses which do not hold under thorough scrutiny.

Friday Blog

I haven't successfully published a blog in a long time. I have written blogs on my Iphone but never ended up publishing them to the blogger website. I find not having word count on the Iphone word program a little inconvenient. I rather type on a full-fledged machine with a real keyboard rather than the little virtual keyboard on the Iphone. I looked at the Vaio P, this machine looks sweet. It is the perfect mobile laptop, I can take everywhere with me. I can then write blogs on surf anywhere, in my bed, carry it around when I got out, etc. I only wish it was a little cheaper. I am going to wait and maybe get it when 'windows 7' comes out. I am going to try using the laptop at fry's or best buy first. Get the feel for the laptop, see if I like the keyboard and also see if the screen is too small. This laptop seems ok for typing stuff, quick browsing, etc. Man typing 350 words seems like it's going to take a while.

I should have mentioned in the beginning of the blog that it is Friday, the first day on May. I did start off with the right little but drifted off talking about the Sony pocket laptop. I just find that laptop very fascinating. Today I finally turned in my application to USC, I had to finish my admission essay, work on my resume, etc. I have been working on this on and off very sporadically. After I got the last recommendation letter that I needed, I decided to go to USC and drop off my transcripts and my recommendation letters. It was fun going to the college campus. There were some girls playing in soap in lawn. Upon entering the Marshall Business building, I felt like being in campus again. I wanted to take classes and live the student experience all over again. For that moment, I just wanted to be a student. Sit in classes, and then do homework with buddies, etc. I was worried that the MBA maybe a lot of work, but perhaps it may not be that bad after all. I hope get admission into USC's MBA program.