Social Circle formation and other stuff

I went to the community college yesterday. I looked at the different bulletin boards. The ones I found were mainly postings of books for sale. I went at looked at other bulletin boards and they were all books for sale. I was getting a little frustrated but I continued and went to the student center where I found some clubs and organizations. None of the clubs seemed like I would be interested in, but then again I have to look at the list one more time. They were clubs like the chess club, religious clubs, there was tennis club I think. These clubs would be easier to join if I was a student, but anyway I will email the president’s if I find something of interest. While touring the campus, I passed through the arts/dance building and noticed a dance class where there were a bunch of girls.

Most of the summer classes seem to be full at this college; I need to do more research at maybe another college, even though they are further away. The meetup groups I have been too mostly have older members, with a few younger ones. But I guess I could practice being social.

Moving over to today, I spoke to KDDR about some stuff at my workplace and how I am not able to handle it.

Later in the day, my boss asked me hangout with him after work, I actually wanted to go do something but I decided that it would be better if I hung out with him and I told him that I would. It’s the first time he asked me hang out after work so I did not want to let him down. We went over to bar/ restaurant with happy hours new our office. I ordered a burger and fries; he ordered the same with a drink. He was watching the all-star baseball game, I did not really have interest in the game but I just ate my burger and spoke about other stuff.

After a while my boss spotted a girl sitting by herself. He asked me to go talk to her. I was surprised that my boss was being to open with me, because he was little strict towards me, this was good opportunity to bond with him. I was little reluctant at first, but later I decided to go talk to the girl. This was a cute brunette. I went up to her with my orange juice and asked her if I could sit over there. She said, ‘yes’. I sat beside her and asked her what she was eating. She told me that she was eating shrimp tortillas or something. I later asked her if they were good she said yes. Then I asked her what she did, and other getting familiar questions. I tried making some statements, like you have a big bag, etc. but I was mainly asking questions, interrogating her. There were moments were I did not have anything to say and I just acted like I was watching the game. And then again I went into interrogation mode, asked which school she went to, etc. She was responding well, and asking me questions as well. Suddenly she slipped in a boyfriend in a sentence. I was a little turned off and then did not talk to her for a little bit. After a little break, I again asked her a couple of other questions as to what her interests are, etc. Then stopped talking to her, at this point she picked up the conversation and started asking me questions. It was funny, even though she said she mentioned a boy friend, she kept continuing the conversation. I continued the conversation, and then lot her about some things I like, and expanded on that.

We went on like this for a little bit, but I was not particularly steering the conversation based on the principles of manhood. I mean I was leading by asking new questions but was not really trying to get any expectations met, since after she mentioned her boy friend my expectations took a back seat. After some more talking she realized that I was not actively steering the interaction anywhere so she was loosing interest in talking to me or maybe it was time for her to go. So she paid her bill and told me that she had to go and it was nice meeting me. I told her that it was nice meeting her and that maybe we would bump into each other again.

I became a year older, my friends from India, etc. wished online. My brothers wished me too. But I don’t have any friends locally near my house to celebrate anything. I feel sad, I have become twenty-six years old and I can’t even attract women; get my expectations met, respect or anything. I am still very emotionally driven like women; I have high and low emotional states varying throughout the day. My emotional state is not every stable. I could be smiling one moment and then become sad, depressed in another moment. Some simple problems can cause big fluctuations in my mood. I also feel anxious at many times, when people don’t talk to me or answer the phone or act differently to me. I feel a lot of anxiety at many times. People can also very easily predict me. I still react even though I am trying not to show it right away. I feel like crap at times, I was hoping I would have a girl friend or something by now, but that is far from the case. My frustration is making sad at times. I did not tell most people I know that I turned a year older. I am at home thinking about how sad things are. It will be a year since I joined the site in August. I feel like crying at times. Sometimes I feel so hopeless, not matter what I do nothing seems like its going to work for me, or its just too hard and I need a lot of work.