reading and trying to understand

I read the frame control II article and I trying to see the difference between arguing and frame control. My whole life I have been all about confrontation. Reading this article again showing me how I can avoid confrontation and get people to qualify to me rather than me trying to qualify to them.

I used to use logic and explain concepts, ideas to chicks with in a detailed manner. But they still did not value me and I used to think what is wrong with them. Also I used to try to qualify to woman trying impress them with jokes, saying smart things. I now realize I don't have to qualify to them, instead I should get them to qualify to me.

I also now see how everything is tied into each other, internal value, frame control, validation and invalidation. I have such a validation validation seeking behavior. Always looking for validation from women, cool guys etc. If I did my self-validation exercise I would not have to rely on other people for validation so much. Also persistent practice of self-validation would increase my internal value over time and invalidation from chicks etc. would not bother me that much.

Ninja explains that listening to a good song etc. are validation based sources, these sources cause validation spike in me, I feel good momentarily. Also when I used to be around my friends having a good time, with them validating me etc. I used to feel very good, but later when I am sitting alone in my apartment I feel depressed sometimes as mentioned in the article. I have felt this many times. When I am around people who validate me, or from whom I manage to obtain validation I feel good but later when no ones around I feel lousy.

I understand everyone needs validation. It is a human need. But getting this need met from external sources of validation which may or may not be there is not the best way to meet the need. Creating one's own external self-validation cycle is best way to raise one's internal value over time. So that even if other people don't validate you, your internal value does not take a dive.

I have to practice these ideas. I tend to go back to my old self very quickly. I need to actively watch my validation seeking behavior, practice frame control and do my self-validation exercises.