Thursday blog

Today I woke up showered, got ready and head out to get some Porto's snacks to celebrate my PE exam at work. My coworkers have been bugging me for a while, and it has been long overdue, I have been to do it for sometime but never got to it. My new boss is hard to please and finds mistakes in everything. I am trying to keep him happy. I have to cut down socializing at work, because some see it as not doing work, even though work is getting done.

I have a lot of work to do with these new deadlines which have been given only to me. I guess it's the perception that matters in this case, not the actual work you are doing since in many cases the supervisors, etc. do not even know the actual work that I do. Also lot of times the supervisors do not have enough work to do, so they go around picking on people. Also they need someone to blame when stuff goes down, and coworker already called me a professional scapegoat. I am going to work hard and try to get all the work done for the new deadline, even though it's a lot of stuff, which was meant to be completed in due time with the rest of the project.

I would have been done with my work, if I had used the old screens, but then my new supervisor came in and told me to change everything. I have to tell that he told me to change everything and I had to redo a lot of the work.

Other than that for self-reflection I noticed that I give up my frame easily under social pressure. The other day I tried the stating interest mission with some woman near my work, and had a bad reaction. I told her that she was cute and she told me that she did not want to be talked to that way. I felt bad and did not invalidate that. I later spoke to Rob and he told me how I could have reframe and invalidated her by calling her socially awkward that is all I needed to do. I was also feeling kind of down yesterday and it was good to speak to Rob. Whenever I feel temptation for my female co-worker I try to remember Rob's words that she will be too much drama, and I see it in her, she is trying get attention from all the guys at work. I going to end the blog now as I have to go do a lot of stuff.

Self-Reflection

 

I have such a need to talk too much, and try to be funny just to get some validation. I always have stuff to say, but not well thought about. I generally have surface level thoughts. I dwell in situational thinking and tend to lose focus on the bigger picture. I need to start thinking in terms of principles and rather than situations. I only see the end results and make assumptions based on that. I don't generally see beyond and see the larger effects in the background that produced those results.

    I am also so easily affected by situations. If I understood what really was happening behind my social interactions, and just fret on the results, I would be off in my interactions.

I don't have a girl right now. I started thinking about coworkers when she talked about cheating on her husband. I told her that I would go out with her if she wanted. But she is just beating around the bush, and saying that there is not enough time, etc. Anyways she says she's not sure. Also she is one of these girls who is always around guys being in the engineering profession and she enjoys constant male attention and the attention from all the different wussy guys in the office. There is another girl on my floor but then again I do not want to mess around at work and so I hardly talk to her. This girl talking about cheating got me turned on. Ah! I need to go out and talk to some girls, I cannot be thinking about the women at work.

    In the past and now when I think about one particular woman I have a chance with, I obsess about her for a while. I don't feel I am emotionally very stable, the smallest things can upset me, I react to everything. I trying to see the bigger concepts and not react to everything. Sometimes when I am feeling low I even get upset when people don't answer my phone. I fail to see that they recognize that they may be busy, etc. My thinking is vastly affected by the emotional state I am in. When I am in a good mood, I am pretty logical and see the reasons why things happen, etc. But then when I am in an emotional mood, I don't see the reasons and get anxious over all situations. I am going to end the blog now.

Self-reflection tuesday

Contest mentality, I am all about contest mentality. I perhaps need the read the contest vs quest article again. I understand it to a certain extent and sometimes stop myself from comparing myself with people I know. On the other hand I still haven't stopped comparing myself to mass of people. I always am thinking as long as I am not as crappy as half of the population. Or at least I am not as bad the rest of my coworkers or my relatives or some comparison like that. Unfortunately my mind goes on autopilot to make these comparisons and I have to watch myself more making these comparisons. I come up with reasoning and rationalizations to make myself feel good. I couldn't even see this properly until was pointed out. On side I think of myself as not being someone who compares himself all the time, but then I keep doing it consciously and sub consciously.

I also fight everything nfm teaches me, I always learn the hard way, I don't listen when someone tells me the first time, it takes me some experiences to listen to what they were saying from the very beginning. It took me such a long time to see that writing well, makes you speak better. I do not like doing activities that are not that much fun. I am at least enjoying writing more now. I still do not do my validation list, but KDDR don't me not to sweat about that too much. I still should be doing mariciyo Paulson exercises and practice slowing down so that girls can actually understand me. I still need to be told hundred times to do something, or told in an impactful manner to do things. I probably have the worst listening skills in the class. I also tend to listen selectively and no focus on things not very enticing or exciting. I still tend to tune out sometimes, when nfm is talking and I feel I have already listened to what I needed to listen and start thinking in my mind of a situation where what he is saying may not be applicable. This should be the end of my self-reflection for today.

Self Reflection

I am trying to self-reflect. There seems to be not much clarity in thoughts. I sometimes have thoughts from all over just bouncing around. I have surface level thoughts and thinking. I am writing this during break at work. I think I am able to better reflect at home. Or maybe this another one of my bullshit excuses. I think I might be a phony at times with regards to doing stuff and try to find a loophole or an easy way out just because I feel that otherwise I might have to put in too much effort. I use excuses of conveniences all the time. I come with excuses like oh I am intelligent in this situation but intelligent in another situation. I have convinced myself overtime that is how it is. I am just too lazy to use my brain in new ways so I just blame it on situational intelligence. And also with regards to being a phony as long as I convince myself or feel that my excuses is good enough I go with the bullshit excuse. My bullshit excuses when scrutinized thoroughly may not be a legitimate reason, but as long as I feel good or ok with the excuse I see it as a fitting reason. I just convinced myself that I lack common sense at times and that I can only do stuff which involves higher math, or technology etc. But also I was wondering wouldn't not using my brain in other situations cause it not to analyze and come up with solutions in other situations? My intelligence is so situational, actually my thinking is situational, I need to think in terms of bigger picture, that is principles. The principle should hold everywhere; I guess the same can apply to intelligence, the principle of intelligence, should be universal not situational.

I also look and compare, I see oh other engineers cannot write well so I shouldn't have to either. I always compare myself to others and as long as I am not as bad the others I feel ok. I use terms like at least, at least I am not that bad. I am all about contest mentality, its hard for me to shake it off. I constantly compare myself with everyone and everything. Even if someone is better than me I find a way to justify why they are better, and that I did not have the same resources, etc. This should be it for today's reflection. The reflection seems to be the same points over, I mean the main theme of laziness, phoniness, etc. but different aspects of it being covered in different situations.

Self Reflection turned into a rant on Rob block

I am an emotional person. I get caught in the situations and dwell over little things and forget to see the big picture. I am also very vindictive. If someone affects me or hurts me or causes pain to me in any manner, I have very strong feelings of revenge. I hate the fact that Rob has cock blocked me on numerous occasions, in spite of making it clear that he should not be doing that. I am surprised that Ninja did not say anything when he cock blocked me again at the night of the party. Before that he cock blocked me outside a bar. He always would come in and talk to the girls I spoke too. He made me look like a dork by telling them that I wanted to ask the girls something, like I am such a loser I can’t even say it to them directly. I can’t believe I almost fought with Franchise so that he could make out in the dark with the girl. I even high fied him infront of the girl to make him look good. After all that he comes and tries to dance with the girl I was talking to and tries to do that annoying grind dance or whatever. The other night he tried to make me look bad infront of telling the cougar that she is was a cougar, I know she is a cougar, but the tone he said it in, again making me look bad. Today when that bitch told me to shut up, he said hey hey. And then he told Ninja that the women said hold on to me when infact she told me to shut up. I understand I was in the wrong today since she is Ninja’s neighbor but I always feel like he doesn’t give a shit about me, he just wants to try to take the girl, or make himself look good infront of the girl at my cost. He tells me that I am a good wing, that’s because when I notice that he is interested in a girl, I walk away or I don't try to control the interaction, I try to make him look better not me unlike him. I never say he is a good wing or anything of that sort, infact he is a cock blocker, a Rob blocker. I used to like doing missions with Rob, but his putting me down, does not make me wanna hangout with him alone without Ninja present, I mean I still hangout but then the resentment is in the back of my mind. Anyways I should be self-reflecting which I need to continue in another blog. This night when I drove back home I was in some kind of weird emotional state and even though I got coffee, I did not drink it or listen to music, I just drove home in an emotional state.

Also I found it annoying when he was trying to create more drama with me and KDDr by acting goofy on the phone with KDDR and making KDDR more upset when we trying to find a club in Long Beach. I feel one should try to reduce drama, and not try to create more. His excuse of being oblivious, is just an excuse of convenience. Talking about excuses of conveniences, I have a whole bunch of them, I do that all the time. I have gotten so used to a life of laziness and come with excuses of conveniences in a moment’s notice. I have one ready all the time, ready to fire them away. I picked up a lot of bullshit excuses from my dad who is way worse than me. But there I go again blaming all my problems and frustrations on people around me. Even though they may be playing a part, the major part is the way I react to things. I am a very reactive impulsive guy, I don’t really think things through. I do things and then maybe think about it if I have a negative consequence. I need to do a lot more self reflection if I want to improve myself or I could continue blaming and being angry and emotional with everyone. I am trying to see the big picture or maybe I am not yet seeing the bigger picture, I see parts of it when nfm points things out. I need to read the POM again, and look at my interactions, and see the principles in play, rather than thinking just about the situations and reactions, without taking the principles into consideration. I am in this perpetual immature state, I need to grow up. I also need to think the problem of being phony. I use the excuses of convenience not to do things and make it sound like I really could not do something because I did not have this, this and that. It truly is the laziness, but instead I make up excuses which do not hold under thorough scrutiny.

Friday Blog

I haven't successfully published a blog in a long time. I have written blogs on my Iphone but never ended up publishing them to the blogger website. I find not having word count on the Iphone word program a little inconvenient. I rather type on a full-fledged machine with a real keyboard rather than the little virtual keyboard on the Iphone. I looked at the Vaio P, this machine looks sweet. It is the perfect mobile laptop, I can take everywhere with me. I can then write blogs on surf anywhere, in my bed, carry it around when I got out, etc. I only wish it was a little cheaper. I am going to wait and maybe get it when 'windows 7' comes out. I am going to try using the laptop at fry's or best buy first. Get the feel for the laptop, see if I like the keyboard and also see if the screen is too small. This laptop seems ok for typing stuff, quick browsing, etc. Man typing 350 words seems like it's going to take a while.

I should have mentioned in the beginning of the blog that it is Friday, the first day on May. I did start off with the right little but drifted off talking about the Sony pocket laptop. I just find that laptop very fascinating. Today I finally turned in my application to USC, I had to finish my admission essay, work on my resume, etc. I have been working on this on and off very sporadically. After I got the last recommendation letter that I needed, I decided to go to USC and drop off my transcripts and my recommendation letters. It was fun going to the college campus. There were some girls playing in soap in lawn. Upon entering the Marshall Business building, I felt like being in campus again. I wanted to take classes and live the student experience all over again. For that moment, I just wanted to be a student. Sit in classes, and then do homework with buddies, etc. I was worried that the MBA maybe a lot of work, but perhaps it may not be that bad after all. I hope get admission into USC's MBA program.

april post

I haven't blogged in a while. My last blog was in April when I was showing this female coworker how to blog. I don’t know why I bothered even showing her that. I want to bang her sometimes; she is not very hot but definitely bang able. She has a big ass for an Asian. I don’t know sometimes chicks ass look good in their pants but once they take their pants off, it may not be that good. Sometimes I think I might just bang a fat chick, but the reality is when the fat chick takes of her fucking clothes, I may not be able to bang her. I should maybe bang fat chicks with their clothes on.

It is going to be midnight soon. I finally posted my mission FR on the M101 site. It took me a while to finish day 1 of this mission. I practiced typing earlier this day. I need to be able to type faster, so that I can finish my FR’s sooner. I was about to go to bed, but then I thought to myself that I should at-least post a blog before I sleep since I haven’t posted one in the longest time. Earlier in the day, I did some crunches so that I have better core strength and have a stronger lower back. I need to motivate myself to do more. At-least I did a few productive things today. I later need to work on fixing the ergonomics of my desk. I have to screw in my keyboard drawer in more tightly so that it does not sway so much anymore. I keep using the words I need to, I should come up with other ways of saying what I need to do.
I have to get some drill bits later so that I can screw in my keyboard drawer completely in. I haven’t done my Validation List or Mariciyo Paulson exercises in a while. I don’t know why KDDR said that doing the Validation List is optional since no does it anyway. I think it is important I am just not doing it. That’s the problem of hanging out with instructors outside of class, sometimes you don’t know if you have to them seriously or not. I finished my 350 words for the blog, so I am going to bed, good night.