reading and trying to understand

I read the frame control II article and I trying to see the difference between arguing and frame control. My whole life I have been all about confrontation. Reading this article again showing me how I can avoid confrontation and get people to qualify to me rather than me trying to qualify to them.

I used to use logic and explain concepts, ideas to chicks with in a detailed manner. But they still did not value me and I used to think what is wrong with them. Also I used to try to qualify to woman trying impress them with jokes, saying smart things. I now realize I don't have to qualify to them, instead I should get them to qualify to me.

I also now see how everything is tied into each other, internal value, frame control, validation and invalidation. I have such a validation validation seeking behavior. Always looking for validation from women, cool guys etc. If I did my self-validation exercise I would not have to rely on other people for validation so much. Also persistent practice of self-validation would increase my internal value over time and invalidation from chicks etc. would not bother me that much.

Ninja explains that listening to a good song etc. are validation based sources, these sources cause validation spike in me, I feel good momentarily. Also when I used to be around my friends having a good time, with them validating me etc. I used to feel very good, but later when I am sitting alone in my apartment I feel depressed sometimes as mentioned in the article. I have felt this many times. When I am around people who validate me, or from whom I manage to obtain validation I feel good but later when no ones around I feel lousy.

I understand everyone needs validation. It is a human need. But getting this need met from external sources of validation which may or may not be there is not the best way to meet the need. Creating one's own external self-validation cycle is best way to raise one's internal value over time. So that even if other people don't validate you, your internal value does not take a dive.

I have to practice these ideas. I tend to go back to my old self very quickly. I need to actively watch my validation seeking behavior, practice frame control and do my self-validation exercises.

lagging behind on my blogs

I don't know what ninja's policies are during thanksgiving. I wonder if we were allowed to slack off? I don't see him being too active on his website either so maybe he's busy with the holiday too or that’s what I assumed for my convenience. I wonder if he reads every post, I know KDDR is not reading mine.

I see everyone else including Rob have not been posting to the missions section etc. during these holidays. I saw Rob didn't update his google calendar with the latest blog posting so I thought everyone's slowed down their training until I visited franchise', Rob's and Foc's blog to see that they continued blogging at-least partially during this thanksgiving break.

Wow now I am behind, I thought I was going better than the other as I was the one with last mission posting but looking at the blogs, that’s not the case, my fellow classmates have been more diligent than me with these blogs.

I think manhood101 should me thought at high school level, then the advanced levels again in college. It's one of the most important classes I've ever taken. I wish manhood101 also had a system to constantly motivate lazy fools like me. One of my main motivations is that I don't want to be dysfunctional anymore, I have been dysfunctional for too long already. This motivation goes only so far, sometimes when its cold outside etc. I feel lazy to go do the mission. I wonder if Ninja can come up with some sort of motivation exercise like the validation list exercise. That would help folks like me who find it easy to slack off due to their busy lives.

manhood101 during thanksgiving, since I assumed everyone had slowed, were taking it easy including ninja, Kdrr, actually kddr i only see him at class nowadays. I relaxed but at-least I tried to do some reading. I finally completed the frame Control I article, I had read this long time ago, but I'm glad i finished reading it again. I probably need to read it again after sometime and again till I get become a master of this domain. Then I read the frame control II article, this was also good. The frame control III article is not complete so I read frame control 3 test which was supposed to be a test but ninja didn't want to bother coming up with fake responses. It was good to the example.

I don't know why keep missing god damn words when I type, i say it right in my mind before typing but I forget to type it for some unknown reason.

Technology lust and my mac affair

I lust for new technology. Even in college, I was always fascinated by new technology, even though I did not have much money, I would avoid going out but instead save whatever money I have and buy some computer or electronic device or peripheral. I always was under the illusion that technology would make my life better and better. I also ended up looking for happiness from technology. I don't think technology gave me long term happiness. I would be happy first when I got a new gadget or gizmo, I couldn't wait to unwrap it. But over time, the honeymoon effect was over. I then long for better technology.

Like a maniac, almost everyday I check www.macrumors.com www.engadget.com www. gizmodo.com www. autoblog.com www.autobloggreen.com and also www.gas2.org. I sometimes even go through these blogs many times a day or in extreme cases even few times an hour. I am thinking I should instead focus my attention and energy to manhood101 forum and read all the posts there, get some functional, useful knowledge rather than salivate looking at tech goodies. This change has not happened yet, but I hope it happens soon.

I am a sucker for apple products, ever since my friend introduced me to them in about 2005. I first got a video ipod with the money I had saved. I was happy when apple finally switched to intel processors. and I was even happier when they finally let users run windows on macs. Now there was no turning back, I was going to convert to a mac man from pc man. The question of converting changed from if am going to convert to when I was going to convert. It finally happened in summer of 2006 during my graduate school program, when I got my first mac. It was a macbook pro. I loved it dearly. I did not have in girlfriends, so these tech products were what kept me occupied.

The macbook pro seemed to be the most perfect notebook computer at that time, coming from a world of pc's. This thing was just amazing, the only thing I could find close enough on the pc side was sony notebooks. But sony copies apple all the time. This computer seemed to be the most perfect computer at that time. Until 8 months later, apple announced a macbook pro with better processors and graphic cards at which point I felt inadequate again. I wish the good feeling from tech products was more long lasting!

saturday blog

I don't like proof reading that much. It's not as much fun as just typing. But the point where I am in my writing, I definitely need to be proof reading it, but I generally don't because of laziness and not finding the activity fun enough like the writing process. Actually I didn't like writing either, but I like it a little better now. I used to think writing is for english major's, I am an engineer, I don't need to freakin write. Now I see how getting your thoughts on paper or screen! is so important.

It's so weird that even though the correct grammar and words are in my head, when I put them on paper I sometimes forget to mention them. I forget to include article like a, an , the etc. I don't why this happens, but I guess I am so anxious to just get the thought on paper, that I don't worry about the details. But when another person reads it, they are like wtf! the sentences just look so weird when you forget to put these connecting words in. I used to better when I started college, I did not omit so many words, but over time I guess I kept getting lazier and my writing started getting sloppier. I don't even bother spelling the words right because Microsoft word takes care of it. But the problem comes when you start typing in a browser and it does not have a correction plugin.

I am going to drift to another topic now. I hate people who act gangster all the freakin time. I find it annoying. Thats why I don't like LA sometimes. I they are lot of pricks here, I guess they are prick's everywhere, Guys with gelled spiking hair, it annoys me more if they have ear rings, fucking girly bastards. I find a lot of the immature indian guys born here to be pricks, I mean they look like pricks with their spiky jelled hair. spiked like a fucking porcupine. and their constant attempt to act black is so mother fucking annoying.

I happened to go to a club with my friends in hollywood a while ago, it was a monday night, I had tuesday off. There was this club called pig n whistles or some shit like that. I guess it was a boogie or something, but they are serving alcohol, also some of the girls and guys there seemed to be on some substance or the other. The guys over here looked like fucking girls. Some of the guys look like they are from high school. About 80% of the guys had emo hair style, It made me so mad. I felt like beating up some the kids in the bathroom, just so fucking annoying, all these emo haired faggots. Also some guys wore shirts which were meant for girls. Low cut v-neck body fitting crap. I also find these punk rock kids annoying, I hope its just a stage of adolescence that these fags are going through and they return to becoming normal men later in life. The fucking funny part is the stupid little girls like the fags with emo hair. Stupid little cunts. I actually like american women from 70-80's mayb even 90's when they actually wore skirts and acted feminine. and also these women seemed to like real men. The next generation girls like crappy looking feminine emo fags. This is disturbing.

thursday's blog

Making up Thursday's blog, on friday. I am in such a bad fucking mood right now. Because of one of the many annoying things my boss does periodically. I hope my mood changes soon so that I can do the hi mission again.

I was planning on going to USC after work and try to do my mission there, but there may not be enough girls there on a friday evening. I am in no mood to do a hi mission right now, I have to change my mood from anger and frustration to a mood of going and saying hi to girls.

I remember a curse my female cousin has put on me many years ago. She said she hoped that I worked under a female boss someday who would be bitch and keep busting my balls. I can't believe her god damn curse has come true. My cousin came to know that I was working for a ball busting micromanaging bitch who was giving me a headache, she was delighted. I could see that stupid smile on her face at the party.

I am under probation for a while, so there's nothing much that I can do. Only thing I could try to do is transfer, but I have to wait for a job opportunity. Another thing I could do wait and go and work for defence contractors. Help them make weapons that will be used in future wars. But both require waiting.

I actually was in a great mood on thursday and today (friday) morning until my boss annoyed me. Yesterday, I was very happy with my hi mission, I did it with great success. I still have to do an fr on the mission. Hopefully I will do it tonight.

I guess I will have to suffer this crap under my bitch boss, until I get more experience, where I will be in a position to get a job anywhere. The ball is her court due to since I am in probation, so I guess I will have play along till I am done with probation. Fucking stupid woman that she is. I am so mad that I can't even think straight right now.

friday blog

Bitch boss. I have the most annoying micromanaging bitch bosses in the world. She just knows how to push my buttons. I am treated differently from all the other people in department, because of my bad luck I ended up under the bitch boss.

Actually it’s probably my own fault for taking an offer with this department when I had an offer with another department. And then again moving under her thinking PLC work would be better. I was even warned that she is a weirdo, but I did not think it would be so bad.

This bitch does not care so much about getting the work done. She is more into stupid micromanagement crap. She is also a new supervisor who was just promoted to supervisor just before I joined her. It is clear that this bitch has never been in a position of authority. So I guess the only way she knows to manage, is by micromanaging. She is just too keen.

She is so obsessed with me, she even changed her day off, to make sure she was there when I was in the office. She even said she didn't want me to be alone. Today she really pissed me off. I came in put my stuff in my cubicle and then later I had to go use the restroom. She apparently walked by my cubicle to check up on me. She didn't see me. So she assumed I was not there, so she went back to her cubicle and then called my cubicle. She left a voice mail saying that my new was not working.

I come back see the missed call and call back. Right of the bat, she say's that I am very late. I told her that I was here on time and my co-workers saw me. Then she said she couldn't see my lunch box so she assumed I was not there. She told me to stop by her cubicle everyday from now on. This made me so angry. I don't want to this shit. I am so pissed but don't know how to deal with this shit. I guess it’s my bad luck that I ended up with a stupid bitch. I am waiting for other job listing's to show up in my company so that I can prepare for those interview's and transfer from this bullshit.

blog for wednesday

For some reason I had writer's block today. It took me a while to get started writing about anything. It’s another day working in a government establishment. This place is a more formal workplace than other places of work. They are still stuck in their old school ways. Traditional work environment makes you feel you are stuck in the 60's or 70's. Old brown carpet does nothing to lift your mood.

On the other had you have workplaces like Google, where employees are super motivated. They want to be working on the cutting edge projects. Their workplace is a place one wants to be. Even over their home. Employees would rather spend long hours at their workplace rather than going home, cause it’s just that good. Organic food, snacks, laundry machines, pool tables, rest beds, you name it.

Why don't more companies adopt the Google motto, keep employees happy, get more productive work. My workplace on the other hand is so unionized. I guess they are benefits to being in a union, but I think they can try to adopt some of the new age philosophies of Google. Make working conditions and workplace more motivating and uplifting.

In my opinion getting work done is more important than just sitting at desk and being there the whole time. At my work place unfortunately all one cares about is if the employee is on time. It doesn't if they aren't productive enough, etc. I remember at Edison you could do your work anywhere in the building as long you got it done, no one cared. But not my company you are required to be chained to your desks unless you have a field trip scheduled or something.

Also there is so much procedure, bureaucracy and red tape involved in doing anything in government. Just to take a class, one has to fill so much paper work, get approval of 3-4 different people, get their signatures. All this just delays and creates unnecessary loss of work time and resources. If employees want to take classes the process should be simplified. I can't believe we actually have to fill-out an attendance authority to take a class! Does it mean than I am like their slave and I need their authorization to be in a class and not that at my desk?