Validation, expectations

I crave for validation all the time. From when I get up in the morning to right when I go to bed at night. I am in a constant receive mode for validation. I am always seeking validation, sometimes even acting silly to get validation. I need a good source of validation. I don't validation from my parents; I need to seek it outside from people I know and strangers. I seek validation from both guys and girls. I crave for validation from girls even more, and do things just to get some validation from them. I don't get that much validation from girls, pretty girls, so any validation they give me is very significant to me.

I need to get my expectations met but without getting enough validation, it is harder to just get my expectations met. I need a constant supply of validation so that I can care for my expectations without being so desperate for validation. I try ignoring, not talking to women at my work, when they do not meet my expectations. But they just ignore me back and hence invalidating me. I find their invalidation has a more powerful effect on me since I value them so much. I understand they don't value me, and are not emotionally invested in me, but their invalidation and ignoring still hurts. I also find hard to ignore girls, I find it to be a mental stress and work to actively ignore women, especially at work. For example every time I see them we make eye contact, etc. it's hard to ignore them.

When I get try to get my expectations met with people, they just ignore me back and they too cut down interacting with me. At least they are not violating my expectations, but then I have fewer people to interact with. It's taking a little getting used to trying to ignore people and them ignoring me back. I am not used to this. I always need people to give me attention even if they are mocking me sometimes. I have to work on getting validating experiences outside of work, so that I don't crave for my coworkers validation so much.

In addition to not getting enough validation, I still don't get my needs met. I still have not had sex with a regular girl. It's been years since I have even made out with a regular girl. Female companionship seems like a dream that I can never get close to. I am frustrated with the state I am in, but I also realize how bad I am when I do interact with women, people in general. I go back to my old habits very quickly but at least I am aware of it. I need lot of work with expectation management, but at the same time I need to setup myself, so that I have some source of validation. The new leading exercise should help everyone in the class, because I really need practice leading. I still cannot decide what to do, where to go even I do get opportunities to be around women. And suppose we do go somewhere I don't know what to do after a little while to keep the interaction, date interesting. And my social interactions are still so dependent on the other person's socialization abilities.

My whole life, I have been a product of my environment not have the environment be a product of me. When I am around the right people, I do ok, I am motivated, etc. The moment I have a couple of folks who are a pain to get along with, I don't do so well anymore. I want the environment to be a product of me but that is going to be a lot of work. I have to be very orderly myself; else I will just give into the disorder that my environment provides. And being so orderly is going to take a lot of work, I have taken baby steps but I still have a long way to go.