Workday

The most boring day, I would say is just about most workdays. I am sitting in my cubicle wondering how the fuck I ended up here. What happened to my aspirations of working at Google, yahoo or Boeing? What happened to my goals of running achieving amazing technological feats, be a part of future, make the future happen. These dreams and thoughts get fainter everyday to point where it feels like never existed in the first place. How did I end up here working for the government? Mind you, I am not working for some exciting branch of the government where I am deciding over circuitry for high tech missiles. I am instead working at a place with a decaying power system infrastructure and with folks so ancient, they remind of fossils.

I wonder if things would have been better if I had stayed at Edison, even though a power company, at least it was a private company. I liked the nice infrastructure that they had, the fancy lighting, the expensive chairs. However, I think again would they have just let me go in an economic struggle, perhaps. Therefore, I have to my fate for having a job in this economy, even though a boring lackluster job, still a job.

I have to pay a price for this job, pay for it by enduring boredom. I have to try to make the best of what my work has to offer. I have to find innovative ways of keeping my work interesting and come up with some original ideas.

The boredom at my work makes people eat all the time. This explains all the fatties at my company. Every time I go to the elevator, I have to bear the sight of all these homely women hogging up all the room in the elevator with a plate of stinky food in their hand.

I can remember when I use to imagine working in a top engineering firm going to meetings, presenting groundbreaking ideas, dressed in sharp business suits and discussing the future with the sharpest people around. However, alas this is where I am and have to learn to enjoy the boredom for it is not that hard otherwise.

MBA LAW CLASS

I am having an interesting experience with this law class that I am in. I have to take Business law as a part of the MBA program. I find this class very interesting as I learn about new facets of law everyday. It is entirely different from my engineering school experience. I like the different unique cases that the instructor discusses. I was even surprised by some of the lawsuits mentioned in the books and how they became precedents for future cases.

Even though I like certain parts of this class, for example the novelty of being in an entirely different class which has no reference to engineering, I dislike many elements of this class. First of, I hate the tremendous amounts of busy work that is being doled out to the students in the class. I am not a busy work kind of guy. I never did busy work in engineering school. Of course I practiced problems after I understood the ideas but I did not go around reading different articles, briefing them, etc. I don’t mind briefing cases but turning a bunch of them in every week and doing a work book along with a class project is definitely overwhelming.

I now wonder if I made a mistake by taking this class first. The fact that I have been out of school for a couple of years on top of my general dislike to reading big books is making it very hard for me to catch up with the class. I did not expect an MBA program to be so taxing especially for part-time students. I am thinking it may just be this one class that is so time consuming. But if other classes in the program turn out to this way, then I might have to drop the program here and go to another school that is less taxing on part-time students who work full-time.

Also the fact that there are full-time students in my class is not helping my cause. These guys have all the time in the world and are all excited to do more projects.

No Electricity

Electricity is a recent discovery only ranging to approximately 250 years ago. What did people do without electricity? I want to discuss things one can do when there is no power. One can jerk off with a candle light and a playboy, no electricity needed there. One can go outdoors and play sports. One can play most sports in daylight without the need for electricity. One can go hiking and observe nature. One can appreciate and enjoy what nature has to offer better when there is no electricity and people have to go wander and explore nature. This includes activities like going to the beach, playing in the sand, etc. Many obese kids will become healthier since they have to go out and play with their friends. They can chase butterflies and enjoy the fresh air provided by the plants.

I am missing these fun activities by being a slave to convenience and technology. Thinking about this makes me want to build a house someday with a big backyard where I could hangout under the shade of the trees during the day while doing my work. This will enable me to be productive and healthy. I will also be happier and have a better mood.

I just remembered, a long time ago students were instructed under the trees in ancient India. I bet these kids picked up concepts quickly and were mentally alert from being outside. We need to rid ourselves of the dangers of modern conveniences like electricity and live a life incorporating a balance of nature and technology. Just chaining ourselves to electricity and technology will only the illusion of satisfaction but never true satisfaction.

Modern buildings need to incorporate naturally lighting as far as possible. This helps in reduction of energy bills as well as provides better natural light, which is better for the eyes and the health of the people residing in it. Usage of electricity should be restricted to tasks that truly need it when a natural option or source of energy will just not cut it. Buildings should also allow for natural ventilation as far as possible. However, in extreme weathers, one must include temperature control mechanisms. Someday I hope that truly nature friendly designs become a reality. In addition, people should be encouraged to perform activities that require little or no electricity during the day.

Indecision

I always have a tough time deciding between things. I fear making the wrong decision and facing the consequences. On many occasions, I am just not sure about which option to pick and I just wait and see. I want to make the best decision, which in many cases ends up me not making any decision. I make a decision along the way after sometime just because I am forced to as I don’t have enough time or I have to face the consequence of not making a decision.

This morning I woke up early, I don’t know what to do. I am not sure if I want to go back to sleep or go read something or use the computer to browse stuff. So after a little bit I go and lie down for a little while. Then I do not feel that sleepy anymore. I wake up and walk around and began thinking about what I should do. Should I read my Business Law book, or should I just go online and read stuff? Then I think maybe I should blog. I probably have not blogged so early in the morning in a long time, it feels good to blog early sometimes, since everything is calmer and you have different random fresh ideas. For a second again I think I should go back to sleep. I feel I may not have enough to write about. I then think that I should read 1984, but ah that book is taking forever, I think maybe I need to read something more simpler.

I finally decide to write a blog since all the other options including going out for a run either are not appealing enough or are too much work which I do not feel like doing. The blogging is work too but it appeals to me more than the other tasks at this time.

I am intimidated to call nfm many times. On many occasions when I interact with him my weakness’s or flaws are exposed. Yesterday after coming back from work, I have no clue what to do. Earlier in the day, this guy at my work and I exchange numbers. We both tell each other, that the other person should call! He wants me to call him, I wants him to call me. This is how it was Daniel too, we both want the person to call, but sometimes out of frustration I would call him or he would call me. Anyway getting back to yesterday. I think about what I want to do. I think I could read my MBA books, but the I think it’s Friday and nobody is reading and everyone is out socializing. I then think of reading the articles but then I think the articles are not accurate and I need to wait for the book. Then I think I should watch the ‘Watch men’ movie, but I am not sure if it going to be that good. I finally call nfm to see what they are doing so that I can go hangout. I am not sure about the drive. I call nfm and they try to help me with my decision. After getting frustrated with my inability they hangup hence making the decision for me.

I then decide to go eat dinner. After dinner I go back to my computer still not sure which is the best activity to be doing, so I just start browsing the internet, thinking something will come up while I am browsing the internet. I jerk off to pictures of hookers for a little while. After that I browse through different car websites and look at car interior pictures and after a few hours of looking I realize I like cars with wood and leather interiors. I also like the mileage from hybrid cars but they don’t have the cool wooden interiors. I decide that sometime in the future I should get a used car with a leather and wood interior.
The guy from earlier that day calls after nine o clock, I am already feeling sleepy. We decide to meet earlier in the day on Saturday if possible. After I little while I go to sleep, at least I decide that I have preference for wood and leather interior, so I can keep this mind when I am looking for cars or I could just wait for electric cars.

Validation, expectations

I crave for validation all the time. From when I get up in the morning to right when I go to bed at night. I am in a constant receive mode for validation. I am always seeking validation, sometimes even acting silly to get validation. I need a good source of validation. I don't validation from my parents; I need to seek it outside from people I know and strangers. I seek validation from both guys and girls. I crave for validation from girls even more, and do things just to get some validation from them. I don't get that much validation from girls, pretty girls, so any validation they give me is very significant to me.

I need to get my expectations met but without getting enough validation, it is harder to just get my expectations met. I need a constant supply of validation so that I can care for my expectations without being so desperate for validation. I try ignoring, not talking to women at my work, when they do not meet my expectations. But they just ignore me back and hence invalidating me. I find their invalidation has a more powerful effect on me since I value them so much. I understand they don't value me, and are not emotionally invested in me, but their invalidation and ignoring still hurts. I also find hard to ignore girls, I find it to be a mental stress and work to actively ignore women, especially at work. For example every time I see them we make eye contact, etc. it's hard to ignore them.

When I get try to get my expectations met with people, they just ignore me back and they too cut down interacting with me. At least they are not violating my expectations, but then I have fewer people to interact with. It's taking a little getting used to trying to ignore people and them ignoring me back. I am not used to this. I always need people to give me attention even if they are mocking me sometimes. I have to work on getting validating experiences outside of work, so that I don't crave for my coworkers validation so much.

In addition to not getting enough validation, I still don't get my needs met. I still have not had sex with a regular girl. It's been years since I have even made out with a regular girl. Female companionship seems like a dream that I can never get close to. I am frustrated with the state I am in, but I also realize how bad I am when I do interact with women, people in general. I go back to my old habits very quickly but at least I am aware of it. I need lot of work with expectation management, but at the same time I need to setup myself, so that I have some source of validation. The new leading exercise should help everyone in the class, because I really need practice leading. I still cannot decide what to do, where to go even I do get opportunities to be around women. And suppose we do go somewhere I don't know what to do after a little while to keep the interaction, date interesting. And my social interactions are still so dependent on the other person's socialization abilities.

My whole life, I have been a product of my environment not have the environment be a product of me. When I am around the right people, I do ok, I am motivated, etc. The moment I have a couple of folks who are a pain to get along with, I don't do so well anymore. I want the environment to be a product of me but that is going to be a lot of work. I have to be very orderly myself; else I will just give into the disorder that my environment provides. And being so orderly is going to take a lot of work, I have taken baby steps but I still have a long way to go.